When I was growing up and usually heard the term rape, what the mind concocted and the story reported were usually cases of a women caught off-guard while jogging at night, walking to her car in a dim lit parking lot, or sleeping soundly in her bed only to be accosted by a predator. Then came the term “date-rape.” More rapes were being reported on college campuses, had occurred in the backseat of some jerk’s Camaro, or at a man’s home where a woman had agreed only to kissing and making out which led to non consensual sex, or, date-rape. With this new term a new pattern prototype of victim and assailant emerged. Along with this, what qualified and constituted a date amended to fit today’s time.
Today’s date is usually no more than meeting for drinks at a bar, someone’s place, hooking up at a club, or in the worst case scenario getting a phone call in the wee hours of the night to come over to a guy’s place to “hang-out.” Gone and more infrequent are the days when a date involved a picking up from a woman’s suitor, a reservation at a special restaurant, and a kiss at the front door with the assuredness that both had a good time. The old-fashioned date lent a woman a great deal of power in using the word no to her advantage thereby preventing much less potential for a victim of date rape.
As such today’s victim is a young woman, usually a college woman with life options of her own. Some are modern women who have taken to the idea that casual attitudes toward sex will put her in control. Meanwhile these same women have dismissed the idea of true dating and the consequences of sex without respect and love. Her usual assailant would be a man with some degree of clout, popularity, or financial appeal, and a lot to lose. I think immediately to the Kobe Bryant debacle where yet another athlete superstar (with tremendous mainstream appeal) has been inevitably benched to the sidelines with other fallen jocks. Another potentially good athletic role model, of which there are few, being caught up in the odious spotlight of another he said she said sex/rape scandal.
Obviously, these men know very well that they in prime picking for scandals of the sort and should know better than to be lured into date sex without first establishment some remnant of a relationship with a woman (i.e.: a real date) let alone adulterous sex. But if these women insist on maintaining the right to say no, they must then to insist on a real date so that their credibility is in tact. I am not implying that a man should not stop when he hears the word no. The power and validity of the word is compromised when not used properly - leaving the woman vulnerable to a mans interpretation of her no.
When no really meant no it was spoken by women who realized the power of subtle femininity and the value of her existence. These women would always be on the lookout for the beast who might dare rob them of their precious youth or worst smear her reputation with even the tiniest hint of indiscretion. When no meant no it was said up-front. No meant no before the lights went out. No meant breaking up the kissing and necking at the front door.
Today no has come to mean that a woman can have a few drinks, go back to a man’s apartment, fool around and start the show, and be ashamed the next morning. Certain after not being called the next day she hadn’t really wanted the sex after all, she believes herself to be a victim of date-rape. With this new sexual protocol, the pickle for women is that we cannot have the freedom to have sex like a man, without compromising our own judgment and authority. As men don’t usually say no at any stage of the sexual dance, women cannot have sex like men unless they intend to always move forward negligent of its consequences.
As with us all, we only have the credibility of our word. The ultimate power with any woman is her right to say no, especially to sex. But if we would say no more often to things we don’t want in life-not just sex- our freedom in power would flourish. When we can begin saying no in all aspects of our life from doing favors that extend us too far, to going out with someone when we know we can do better, to saying no when a married man makes advances, and finally to saying no when a man does not offer us the real date that we deserve, we can then grasp the value and power in being a woman.
No is a word of great power and meaning if backed by sincerity and resolve. No means no has been a popular slogan used in our time to reiterate the power of choice and freedom in the word no. But, when uttered as an afterthought or inconsistently in the context of a situation, no can lose all of its value and credibility. And a woman who uses it as such loses the same.